3:30 aayem (a rant)

Dear Mother-in-law,

I realize you are wide awake. I realize you've probably had a pot of extra-strength coffee. I realize you're excited about going on your trip to visit your daughter. You always get excited to go anywhere. I realize you are concerned about me over-sleeping and not getting you to the airport in the perscribed 2 hour advance window all passengers are expected to arrive in. Please note for further consideration that I have taken all these things into account when you

a.) Call me at 4:55 a.m. to ask me "Are you coming" as I am on the road and half a mile from your house? (I was to be there at 5:15, I believe, and will actually be arriving at 5:00 sharp.)

b.) Talk to me in chipper, wide awake tones that somehow expect responses

I hope you realize from my one-word comments, head nods and vague "uh-huh"s… that I just really wish you would SHUT THE FUCK UP. You have known me for over 27 years. Have you learned nothing about me yet? I am not a morning person. I have been up since three-fucking-thirty-aayem just because my alarm was set for four o'clock and I do not respond well to having alarm clocks set. I don't sleep well (even after having taken a perscription sleeping tablet and going to bed at 8 p.m.). I toss and turn and open one eye to stare at the clock throughout the night to be sure I don't oversleep… 'cause you just know the night I'm supposed to wake up at four-fucking-aayem will be the night the power blinks and the battery backup fails and I have to wake up to your phone call…"Are you coming?".

Have a nice trip. I know Hubs is looking forward to going two whole weeks without having you grabbing onto him like the leech you can be at sons' races. Uh-oh. That sounded rather mean. Rather like someone who didn't get enough sleep last night…