The Torn Pages

Archive for January, 2008

Alive!

Yes, you knew that. Em was good to let you all know. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have all been wonderful. You did your job well on Monday and I came through surgery just fine. I knew you could do it! I'm taking the lazy way out and just thanking you all 'lump sum', instead of my normal individual reply and hope you will be understanding for a bit at my laziness.

I think she pretty well hit the high points. I'm tucked inside the house after a rather bumpy ride home Tuesday afternoon. I think the wind chill this morning was -25. Glad I didn't have to be out in it. I'm managing to get around okay, although there have been no sack races or games of twister, the days are going by slowly drifting in and out of sleep. I found two more drugs that apparently my system doesn't think I need – Valium and Fentanyl (sp?). They ended up giving me Skelaxin and sticking with the Tylenol 3. The nurses really, really wanted to give me Oxycontin, and seemed more disappointed than I when I reported it didn't work for me.

I will admit to being a bit depressed, but am sure it will pass. I think I'm feeling somewhat disappointed that I didn't have the dramatic improvement this time that I had the last time I went through this. I came out of surgery with (still) very sore shoulders and neck and now a lovely brace to go with it. I can tell there is some improvement in that I can move my arms without the sharp pains I had and the doctor tells me probably a lot of that shoulder pain is from the extreme position they have to put the body in to do the surgery. I'm going to hold that thought and remember it has only been a couple of days and will just assume it will get better as it heals.

I was able to take a bath today, which was nice, although no showers until Saturday. I'll be looking forward to that a lot!

My kids have been the best – and Emily has been a rock star. She hung out with her dad all day while I was in surgery, then went to work late in the afternoon, went to a class project meeting, and came back out to the hospital to sit in an uncomfortable chair until the wee hours watching over me. She's been back and forth and wearing herself out being my helper and she deserves a huge pat on the back. Hubs and youngest son just took off for Texas this morning and will be gone until Sunday. It's a class tied in with son's racing, so she's been put in charge of my well-being. Son's fiance' is a nurse, too, so that helps and she's only a couple of miles away.

Thank you again everyone for all your kind words and well wishes. It really means more than you know.

Back at home, a guest post

Hi! I'm Sue's daughter, Em. First off, she wanted me to tell you how much she appreciates all your comments and thoughts. She didn't think she was that popular:)

Her surgery went well, there were some delays getting her in and the procedure took a little longer than planned but there were no problems. She stayed overnight and went through the fun of trying to figure out what pain meds would actually work. Add Fentanyl to her list of fun drugs that have no effect. They finally put her back on Tylenol 3, I think. It seems to be the only thing that works. There was also a mild moment of panic (for me, anyways…she seemed blase about it) when they took her blood sugar late in the evening. It was around 520. Non-diabetic people are under 100, mom usually runs around 220. It got an eyebrow raise out of the nurse and they got her insulin to put it back where it should be. She hadn't been able to take her normal meds so it was expected that it would be wonky. Just not that wonky, I guess. She was able to sleep on and off during the night. This morning she passed the test of brushing her teeth so the physical therapist decided she was good to go. She made it home this afternoon after a less than fun drive home (we just got a ton of snow and the trip was bumpy). She's currently resting surrounded by kitties, with the exception of the one who likes to sleep on her chest. He may be quarantined until he learns the new routine. Her only complaints so far have been the lack of bendy-straws. I resisted the urge to make her demonstrate how she's been managing without them. There was a joke going around about drowning in the moat made by the brace.

So there you have it. She's a little sore but it has yet to affect her sense of humor. She's got her laptop at the ready when she feels up to it. If I know her, she's itching to get up and around. Jammie days are one thing, doctor imposed jammie days are another. Thanks for being there for mom, even if you're miles away in blogland!

 em

Ready…Set…Breathe

Well, here we are in the final countdown to surgery. The bachelorette and bachelor parties as well as the wedding shower went off without too many hitches. I'll expand on those later. The house is clean. (Mostly.) The laundry is done. (Mostly.) The computers are networked. The Christmas decorations are still up. (Here you thought I was going to say I got them taken down? Silly people…)

Lists have been made. Instructions have been read and re-read. Nerves come and go. 

I've read all your well-wishes a thousand times and have taken them all to heart.  I appreciate all of them more than you'll know. I anticipate a restless night, a slight case of panic, and the ensuing calm the will follow knowing that all is going to go well and I'm going to come out of this feeling better than I have in months. I look forward to having 'me' back again… 

All my love to my sweet family – all of them I've gotten to have some great conversations with in the past few days. I am and will always be so grateful for having a second chance to get it right. "I'm much better now!" Looking forward to having the energy to enjoy my son's wedding in a few weeks… after, hopefully, several days of blissful sleep! Yes, days and days and days of jammie days! Whoot!

I'll see you all 'on the flip side'… of the operation, of course! 

Calm Before the Storm

That's what yesterday was. I took a "jammie day" before the frantic rushing that is to be the next few days. Those of you playing along will be pleased to know I still did not take down the Christmas decorations. I didn't clean (well, okay, I did set my oven to self-clean, but that doesn't really count. Oh, and I did the dishes, well, the dishwasher did, so that doesn't really count either. And I did a load of Hubs' clothes. The whole naked thing seemed to bother some people.) I guess in review you could call it a "modified" jammie day. Basically, I was a vegtable all day.

Today I am working half the day, then have an appointment to have my hair cut this afternoon. I'm a bit nervous about this as I have short hair and it is at that "almost" stage. It almost needs to be cut, but if I wait I won't be able to get in until the day of the wedding and that's just too late to have a haircut. I've got an appointment to have it styled that day, just 'cause I don't want to hassle with making sure the back looks as good as the front… (yeah, usually I don't even look at the back, my bad!). I, however, don't want to worry about a bad cut that day. This way I'll have three weeks for it to hopefully correct any minor mistakes. The color I usually do myself and it is too early to do it now, but won't do it the day of the wedding, so I'll have to figure out how to do it sans collar sometime the week before the wedding (shhh…don't tell the doctor!). Heavens! We all know it is a sin to have our white roots showing in the wedding pictures!

Tomorrow begins a very long day. Early morning I expect people to appear on my doorstep so we can carpool to the bride-to-be's tiny hometown about an hour away for a wedding shower. It will last until noon (theoretically), then we have another hour back home. After some re-organization, perhaps a change of clothes, and a quick animal-care session, we will have another hours' drive to the Big City where some serious computer shopping will occur.

Later in the early evening, the bachelor and bachelorette party will take place. Although they've reserved some hotel rooms for people to stay overnight, Hubs and I (and probably Emily) have decided to come home at some point – probably in the wee hours of the morning. I have enough trouble sleeping in my own bed, let alone a strange one, and the animals will be wanting attention first thing in the morning. Emily claims she has some schoolwork she needs to get on top of on Sunday, so wants to get home at a reasonable time, too. Any more I don't drink much, especially when I am going into surgery so soon, so I will be a designated driver. Hubs will probably be … indulging. They have a party bus lined up to take the guys around. I've been told there are no strippers involved. At least at the men's party. I haven't heard the same about the womens'… could be interesting.

What is going to make tomorrow that much more exciting is the weather. We just got 4-6" of snow, which is really no biggie in the wintertime in Iowa. It should all be cleared by then. However, the wind is to howl and they are talking wind-chills in the negatives… as in -18! You'd think we were in the arctic! As much as I want to bundle up tomorrow, the theme for the bachelorette party is "racing to the alter" (my son races and his bride-to-be is a huge fan). I've heard there will be specially made t-shirts for this event. Needless to say, I will be wearing long underwear and probably a turtleneck (as attractive as they can be...) under that t-shirt! I'm shivering just thinking about it!

Sunday, if I have any energy left after the 'big night', I plan on cleaning my house, doing a bit more laundry, and hopefully getting my new laptop (or at least my old laptop) networked so when I get home from the hospital things will be ready to use from bed and the house will be clean and orderly. It is like going on vacation. I like to come home to a clean house. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking it will stay that way for long and I'm certainly not going to even try to get the Christmas decorations down, but I'm going to take these baby steps to try and at least start out well.

Sooo… anyhoo… *looking around the room*… wow. What a boring post this was.

Ribbons

This may be hard to see, but if you look closely it appears the tree is covered in red ribbons. The ribbons? Male cardinals. Although this picture was taken a couple of years ago, it could have been taken this morning. We had a snowstorm overnight bringing us "officially" 4-5", but "unofficially" more like 6". I stayed home from work (because I could – yeah Jammie Day!) and went out in my p.j.'s to scoop off the back deck and feed the birds. Not a half an hour later, I began to count and every time I tried to the number increased. When I called Hubs he said they were on their cell phones calling each other to let them know where the grub was! LOL! At any rate, I gave up counting at about 25. Of course, this is just the males, too, as they stand out so brightly in the snow. There were almost an equal number of female cardinals, the woodpeckers who are drawn to the suet, the blue jays, the chickadees, the finches, and the squirrels.  A bit later I looked out to see the trees equally covered with crows! They are huge! I went and shoo-ed them away so the smaller birds could come back.

A perfect morning. The fire is going in the fireplace, our eldest cat is laying on the hearth "on the spit" as we laugh, as she rolls around in the heat. We always wait for her to spontaneously to burst into flames. Can't believe she will lay so close and not get overheated! The pups have taken a few minutes off of running madly through the house, shedding the snow they so conveniently rolled in while outside, to rest and warm up. The big male cat is intent on watching all the birds through the slider, dreaming perhaps of the day when he would be able to go out and play with them. The rest of our lazy felines have found themselves curled up on the bed, basking in the warmth of the electric blanket I've just turned off.

I know I should be putting away Christmas decorations and cleaning the house in preparation for being laid up. I should be getting my internet network going. I should be making sure the laundry is caught up and I have clean sheets to put on the bed for next week… and so Hubs doesn't go naked. As much as I appreciate it, he doesn't.

Instead, I think I'll just fix myself another cup of cocoa and snuggle down with a comfy blanket and a good book in front of the fireplace and the slider and enjoy the moment. Take a few minutes to enjoy the moment in your day, too, okay?

Scatterbrained

That's the way I feel these days. Hubs tells me it is all in my mind… (isn't that what I've been saying?)… but I feel a bit "off" for lack of a better word. I have tried to figure out why. Is it the pain? The lack of sleep? The fact that all I want to do IS sleep? I'm just not sure. I keep going over things and it all gets sorted into a rough timeline. There is "Before the Surgery", "After the Surgery – aka Recovery", and "Before the Wedding".

I keep thinking I have lots of time to do things, but really I don't. It's getting me a bit flustered. Not a comfortable place for me to be.  For heaven's sake, I still have my Christmas decorations up… and I haven't touched a Christmas card to send out yet! You all thought I was kidding when I said "Valentines"… I may have been stating the obvious!

I had my "pre-op" check up yesterday, something I've not had in the past with previous surgeries. They are very thorough, doing EKG's, bloodwork, and all kinds of stuff. I appear to be well enough to withstand surgery. Yippee.

I try to visualize what is going to happen afterwards. How mobile will I be? How will I feel? Will I still have a lot of stiffness in my shoulders, just without the pain or will it all come back? I know I'm going to be strapped into the neck brace that I've come to refer to as the "Darth Vadar". It makes me feel that way. I was to wear it a bit this week to get used to it and to make sure it didn't hurt anywhere. Talk about immobile! Yikes. Certainly a far cry from the foam rubber neck brace they put me in last time!

There is a wedding shower saturday for the blushing bride, then she and my son have their respective bachelor and bachelorette parties on Saturday night. That pretty much wipes out Saturday. Although I won't be drinking much, I know just staying out late will take a toll and I'm going to be very tired on Sunday… and that's the last day I have to get organized.

I still haven't gotten my network working at home. The new laptop is going to happen, as well, it appears, as one for the straight-A student in the family. We've discussed shopping on Saturday afternoon between social activities. With luck, that will all be taken care of and I can get it all connected on Sunday. you know, while I'm doing that other 3,975 things I need to do before I go into the hospital.

I appreciate all the well wishes and good thoughts you're holding for me. On a related note – I talked to our repairman and the internet work was covered under warranty! YES! He's supposed to come Tuesday (fingers crossed) to update our TV stuff – I'm actually moving into the DVR world. Hope I like it as much as you all have told me. We're updating our cable boxes to HD and adding the DVR.

Now… what have I forgotten to mention…

Oh, yeah. I changed the template again. Hubs didn't like the dark one. Said it reminded him too much of my "dark" site and I try and respect his opinions. I realize this one is pretty basic, but right now I need some clean lines and some organization. At least one place in my scatterbrained life!

Amazement

I'm always amazed when something actually happens when it should. I guess you guys have more power than I originally gave you credit for! The internet repairman showed up! Whoot!

I think the internet is fixed at home. I've not had much time to mess with it yet, and haven't gotten my network all set up as it should be, but I've not heard any cussing coming from the office since he came, so I guess Hubs is happy with the result.

Now I'm just going to try and get all that stuff re-attached this week. Oh, and in other news, Hubs says I can get a new laptop. I'm really tickled, seeing as I use my laptop more than my desktop – and will absolutely be using it when I'm laid up. Now if I can just get one and get it all set up before surgery next week. Keep fingers crossed, everyone – you were so powerful the last time, I'm counting on you!

Remember, though… that was a pretty minor request compared to the one I'm going to ask you next week. A week from today is my surgery. You know what to do! I'll be reminding you.

Thanks!

Someday Tomorrow

When my children were little, "Annie" was a huge hit. We had a baby music box that played "Tomorrow" on it that I swear became the reason Emily had to watch "Annie" over and over and over again when she was a bit older. (It had nothing to do with the fact she had red hair…) Somehow, whenever the topic came up of when something was going to happen in our household, my eldest son would say "Someday tomorrow". It became a catch-phrase in our house and also became known as comparable to the phrase "the second Tuesday of next week". In other words, if something was going to happen 'someday tomorrow', the likelihood of it happening was pretty slim.

Remember when I contacted the internet repairman on Monday he said he'd be out "tomorrow or the next day"? Um…yeah. Guess who didn't show up? Hubs called him Wednesday and left a message on his machine letting him know I needed the internet repaired so I could work from home. Obviously he wasn't impressed. Yesterday we lucked out. We were supposed to get 1-3" of snow and parts of the state got over 4". We got a dusting. Hubs called the service guy again about noon. This time he got him 'live' and told him I was having surgery and needed to have the internet repaired so I could work from home. His response? "I'll be out tomorrow afternoon."  For those of you keeping track, that would be today. This afternoon. Should we start a pool? No… too depressing. I propose we try an experiment. On the day of my surgery, I'm going to ask all of you to take a minute in your morning to send a good thought for me out into the universe (if you believe in God, pray, if not… just that universal thing works for me!). I'm nothing if not willing to accept positive thinking from you all. As I mentioned, experimentally, lets all focus for a minute at noon today (CST) and send a silent thought to my internet serviceman. It can be nothing more than "get your ass to Sue's house"… but c'mon, give it a try. Let's see if we can boost this guy off his backside and get my internet working again! I know we can do it if we all join together!

Experiencing Deadlock

My apology: I'm sorry I've not been answering comments, or blogging, or blog-reading lately with much regularity.

My excuse: My dog ate my… oh. Guess that one doesn't apply. How about these?…

• I finally got the internet guy to tell me that we have a broken part in our satellite dish. He said the company noticed our packet speed drop dramatically in November. (Hmmm…I'm guessing it was actually in October or September and I'm also wondering why, if they noticed, they didn't contact us? arrggh!) He told me on Monday that he'd be out "tomorrow or the next day" and wanted to be sure there was no snow on the roof (we've had highs in the mid-40's, so things have been melting like crazy.) I made him hold on while I checked and assured him there was NO snow on the roof or where he needed to put his ladder on the ground. As of last night he still hadn't come. I've sic'd Hubs on him today. I'm going to have him call and give him the "man talk" and glare at him over the phone so hopefully he'll come today. It is supposed to snow 1-3" again tomorrow.
• Because of lots of extra stuff going on I've not been at work much lately, that means I haven't had access to good internet – so that's another reason I've been behind.
• I went to the big city on Monday to have some maintence performed on my car. Afterwards, I went to my parents' house (the first time since before Thanksgiving!) and although my mother was gone to lunch with friends, I spent a good three hours of quality time with my dad. I'll post more about that later. Suffice it to say, I think we may actually have been communicating. Scary.
• I had my appointment with the neurologist yesterday. After convincing him I'd only had one neck surgery (he said it appeared from the x-rays that I'd had one from the back as well – I told him that was where the aliens must have worked on me…thankfully, he has a good sense of humor! ) First he scared the crap out of Hubs by telling us he thought he could get us in tomorrow (today) for surgery. Well, I was all for it, but Hubs wasn't prepared that quickly. Poor fella can't adapt to change quite that fast. The doc ended up having some meeting he couldn't get out of, so it wouldn't work after all. Much to my disappointment. I'm now scheduled for Monday the 21st to have the herniated disc removed and the bones fused. They tell me the neck brace can be taken off two days before my sons' wedding, and although I may have to have it put back on afterwards, at least I won't have to have pictures with it! I'll be laid up for a few weeks, but hopefully the internet will be fixed and I can have my laptop with me and will probably be a better blog-visitor than I've been lately!
• Monday was Nicole's birthday! Go wish her a belated birthday … and tell her Sue sent ya. She'll understand why you're late!

So, those are my excuses. I'm just deadlocked at the moment… in motion, but not really getting anywhere. You should see my calendar for the next month! I swear, there is so much going on it is nuts! Between appointments for fittings (who knew you had to make an appointment to get fitted for a neck brace?) and pre-op appoinment (to keep you from croaking on the operating table) to post-op appointments and wedding stuff and year-end farm tax and bank stuff… and on and on it goes… I'm exhausted just thinking about it all! 

Change

I did a double-take yesterday. I clicked on another blog and looked away, then looked back and started wondering why their blog hadn't loaded. It took me a few seconds to realize… it had! They were using the exact same template I was! I'm sure this must happen more often than not, but it was the first time it had happened to me. Guess we just both had great taste in choice of template.

I'm an odd combination of wanting change and not. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day with me. I've tried to analyze myself to some extent. I know why I crave stability. My mom died when I was very young and I was sent to live with my paternal grandparents for a couple of years until my dad remarried. We moved several times when I was a kid, too, and as a young adult in my first marriage moved almost every six months. I love being in one place for years and years and setting down roots. So much so, Hubs has a hard time getting me out of the house!

Where the desire for change comes from, that I'm not so sure of. Was it because of the abuse I eventually suffered at the hands of my parents? Was it wanting to control what I couldn't control? Probably.

From early childhood I can remember wanting change. I always was re-arranging the furniture in my room. When I got older, I would re-arrange furniture constantly, never satisfied where it was. Finally, after marrying Hubs and re-arranging it so many times he joked he could never walk through the house in the dark, I stopped. I planned the furniture layout carefully in the new house before ever moving in – and except for a couple of very small changes (at Hubs' request) it has stayed the same.

If I wasn't re-arranging furniture, I was re-arranging me. I was in constant flux where my appearance was concerned. I hated how I looked and was always trying to make myself different. Hiding from the world? Again, probably. I rarely make appointments for haircuts – I just get to the point where I have to do something and it has to be now. My hairdressers have learned to accept this about me and have also learned if they can't get me in right away to expect the next time I come in there will be evidence that I've been hacking at it myself. They've learned not to scold me. It does no good.

When I desire change, I think it is my desire to control. Not having control, helplessness, is a terrible feeling. I've felt it too many times in my life. I'm feeling it again, now, with all this crap going on with my back. I don't know what is going to happen or what the outcome will be. I can hold onto hope that all will be resolved and possibly even without surgery (dear internet you've given me lots of information). I need change. I need this pain to go away…

So, here I am with a new template for a new year. Once again making changes that I can control… in a world that I can't.

Wow. I'm kinda a bummer today, aren't I?