I did a double-take yesterday. I clicked on another blog and looked away, then looked back and started wondering why their blog hadn't loaded. It took me a few seconds to realize… it had! They were using the exact same template I was! I'm sure this must happen more often than not, but it was the first time it had happened to me. Guess we just both had great taste in choice of template.

I'm an odd combination of wanting change and not. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day with me. I've tried to analyze myself to some extent. I know why I crave stability. My mom died when I was very young and I was sent to live with my paternal grandparents for a couple of years until my dad remarried. We moved several times when I was a kid, too, and as a young adult in my first marriage moved almost every six months. I love being in one place for years and years and setting down roots. So much so, Hubs has a hard time getting me out of the house!

Where the desire for change comes from, that I'm not so sure of. Was it because of the abuse I eventually suffered at the hands of my parents? Was it wanting to control what I couldn't control? Probably.

From early childhood I can remember wanting change. I always was re-arranging the furniture in my room. When I got older, I would re-arrange furniture constantly, never satisfied where it was. Finally, after marrying Hubs and re-arranging it so many times he joked he could never walk through the house in the dark, I stopped. I planned the furniture layout carefully in the new house before ever moving in – and except for a couple of very small changes (at Hubs' request) it has stayed the same.

If I wasn't re-arranging furniture, I was re-arranging me. I was in constant flux where my appearance was concerned. I hated how I looked and was always trying to make myself different. Hiding from the world? Again, probably. I rarely make appointments for haircuts – I just get to the point where I have to do something and it has to be now. My hairdressers have learned to accept this about me and have also learned if they can't get me in right away to expect the next time I come in there will be evidence that I've been hacking at it myself. They've learned not to scold me. It does no good.

When I desire change, I think it is my desire to control. Not having control, helplessness, is a terrible feeling. I've felt it too many times in my life. I'm feeling it again, now, with all this crap going on with my back. I don't know what is going to happen or what the outcome will be. I can hold onto hope that all will be resolved and possibly even without surgery (dear internet you've given me lots of information). I need change. I need this pain to go away…

So, here I am with a new template for a new year. Once again making changes that I can control… in a world that I can't.

Wow. I'm kinda a bummer today, aren't I?