33

Change

Posted by Sue on January 4, 2008 in Deep Thoughts, Life, Self-exploration |

I did a double-take yesterday. I clicked on another blog and looked away, then looked back and started wondering why their blog hadn't loaded. It took me a few seconds to realize… it had! They were using the exact same template I was! I'm sure this must happen more often than not, but it was the first time it had happened to me. Guess we just both had great taste in choice of template.

I'm an odd combination of wanting change and not. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day with me. I've tried to analyze myself to some extent. I know why I crave stability. My mom died when I was very young and I was sent to live with my paternal grandparents for a couple of years until my dad remarried. We moved several times when I was a kid, too, and as a young adult in my first marriage moved almost every six months. I love being in one place for years and years and setting down roots. So much so, Hubs has a hard time getting me out of the house!

Where the desire for change comes from, that I'm not so sure of. Was it because of the abuse I eventually suffered at the hands of my parents? Was it wanting to control what I couldn't control? Probably.

From early childhood I can remember wanting change. I always was re-arranging the furniture in my room. When I got older, I would re-arrange furniture constantly, never satisfied where it was. Finally, after marrying Hubs and re-arranging it so many times he joked he could never walk through the house in the dark, I stopped. I planned the furniture layout carefully in the new house before ever moving in – and except for a couple of very small changes (at Hubs' request) it has stayed the same.

If I wasn't re-arranging furniture, I was re-arranging me. I was in constant flux where my appearance was concerned. I hated how I looked and was always trying to make myself different. Hiding from the world? Again, probably. I rarely make appointments for haircuts – I just get to the point where I have to do something and it has to be now. My hairdressers have learned to accept this about me and have also learned if they can't get me in right away to expect the next time I come in there will be evidence that I've been hacking at it myself. They've learned not to scold me. It does no good.

When I desire change, I think it is my desire to control. Not having control, helplessness, is a terrible feeling. I've felt it too many times in my life. I'm feeling it again, now, with all this crap going on with my back. I don't know what is going to happen or what the outcome will be. I can hold onto hope that all will be resolved and possibly even without surgery (dear internet you've given me lots of information). I need change. I need this pain to go away…

So, here I am with a new template for a new year. Once again making changes that I can control… in a world that I can't.

Wow. I'm kinda a bummer today, aren't I?

33 Comments

  • em says:

    yes, a teensy bit. Hope you’re out of your funk by noon.

    and why does the button say ‘invia’?

  • GUYK says:

    Well, I never rearranged me. But I was one that wanted change. One of the reasons I stayed in the USAF so long was the change..I got to see a heck of a lot of the world that I would not have seen otherwise. While I was in I changed career field four times..I would learn all I could about one..get bored and apply for retraining into another..

    After retiring it was about the same thing..although I had a business we managed to sell out homes and move to a different place every two to three years..

    The only reason that we are still on sweetthing’s half acre is that age has caught up with us and we are just too old now to make another move..but it ain’t that we have not thought about it!

  • sizzle says:

    i’m similar (surprise, surprise!) in that i move stuff around and crave change. it’s hard for me to feel satisfied. i never really thought of it as a bad thing. maybe i should re-examine?

    when it comes to chronic pain though? wanting it to go away is the human and natural thing! who wants to be in pain?! i hope it gets fixed soon. that’s no way to live. πŸ™

  • DNR says:

    Hey!! Thanks for stopping by!!! Thanks for the condolences, it was a nice service. I just love meeting new people. I hope to get back over lunch and read back a little.

    The missus had a herniated disk (remember I haven’t read any other posts yet) about 4 years ago. Tried for almost a year to ‘fix’ it without surgery. Cortisone shots, stretching, physical therapy, pain management, more cortisone, even bed rest. Finally had the surgery about a year ago. Says if she knew it would have been this easy she would have had the surgery first and skipped all of the other stuff.

  • Sue says:

    I don’t know why those other languages appear on comments. I tried to fix, but so far it isn’t working. Guess you’ll just have to expand your mind. πŸ˜‰

  • Sue says:

    Oh, hey! It worked!

  • Change is what keeps life interesting…I think. It does for us anyway.

    Just so long as no one touches my car (THAT must stay constant!!!) change is good.

    Happy new year!!

  • Nat says:

    Sorry about that, I think I might have been the guilty culprit, time for a change. I’d go out and take a snowscape photo but it’s cloudy and I’m snotty.

    I must say of the three or four templates I’ve seen since I started reading this is my fave. I really should to do the same.

  • Al says:

    Mrs A. always wants structure and needs to be in control of things. I frustrate the heck out of her, because I don’t give a whip about structure, and am perfectly willing to just jump, and see what happens. We are good for each other. I challenge her to DO stuff, not just talk about it, and she keeps me from jumping without at least looking.

    I guess that I am the way I am because I am confident that no matter what happens, I can handle it, and usually turn it to my advantage.

  • Teresa says:

    Well, changing blog templates is not what I’d call a problem πŸ™‚ Nor is rearranging the furniture so long as it doesn’t hurt your back.

    As for me – I’m just lazy as all get out. Once I put something in place I hate changing it because that means work getting things settled. LOL.

  • Briony says:

    Gosh, I feel like (except for the last bit) this post could have been written about me. I think you and are are a LOT more alike than we realise. (EEK – you poor thing!).

  • katie says:

    wow- i feel like i am on an acid trip staring at this new funkadelic template of yours, Sue. it is coooool. i like it. very trippy. yet calming. if that makes sense…i dunno.

    so about change- i am horrible at change, sue. i am amazed at how long i can sit in shit just ‘cuz i don’t wanna change. i am such a creature of habit. i even eat the same exact thing every day. i’m weird like that, sue.

    anyways, you have a good weekend, girl. πŸ™‚

  • Rick says:

    I think most bloggers are cut from the same cloth. The Spousal Unit and I used to spend EVERY New Year’s rearranging furniture… until there was no room left to move it TO.

  • PlazaJen says:

    I used to change furniture around all the time…. then I got old. πŸ˜‰ But I understand the desire for new/different, along with how-much-can-I-dig-my-nails-in-and-control-this impulse. (deep-seated need? psychological flaw? Who knows.)
    Ahhh, well. The more we can relax, the better, I say. TGIF.

  • Lisa says:

    The purple and the black is beautiful. But. Maybe it is my old eyes, but it is hard to read!

  • Fantastagirl says:

    sometimes (very rarely) change is good.

  • Jan says:

    Sue, we are a lot alike in many ways. It seems like all I’ve done my whole life is move from one place to another, first as a child, but then much of it had to do with the fact that my husband was a career military man, and then after that, he has had to transfer from one state to another, or one town to another. But no matter what, I have always been one to rearrange the furniture. My husband made the same remark about being afraid of getting into bed in the dark, after being away for the day…might end up on the floor, instead of the bed. πŸ™‚

    One good thing about moving so much..we are the most expert packers you’d ever hope to meet!

    I want you to get that surgery and pain behind you..over and done with, and on your way to feeling normal, again. That’s going to be my main prayer for you, for this new year..’cause I love you, my friend!

  • A bloggy friend of mine customized my template so its hard to duplicate and its chock full of smiley face goodness!

  • Lisa says:

    “Once again making changes that I can control… in a world that I can’t.”

    That doesn’t sound like a bummer to me!

  • I think I’m the opposite of you – I fear change!! As a result, I’m a total pack rat and I hate to move. And I try to keep everything the same as much as I can.

  • pat says:

    nice template and easy on the eyes! I too need to change often, I look at it at making myself put things in order. If it needs rearranging, likely I really have drawers that need cleaning out…probably have issues that need cleaning out too!!

  • nicole says:

    Ooo I like the new layout!

  • Love the new template. And see, I am am very slow to change. Change scares me.

    And happy belated holidays!

  • Whit says:

    I hear ya though. I think bummerism is going around.

  • Nikki says:

    Not a downer… just introspective and that’s OK!

    And if you have to take out your need to change on the blog then so be it! That’s the place to deal with any psychological stuff anyway – well, it is for me. Fulfills my narcissistic tendencies quite nicely so I don’t have to take it out on the “Real World”

    πŸ™‚

    (Thanks for the message over at us… we’ll be back here more often too. Been a bit slack of late! Will catch up tomorrow on your latest introspect πŸ˜‰ )

    xo

  • Jody says:

    Happy New Year, Sue. I’ve got a little “gift” for you on the website.

  • Becky says:

    I can totally understand the need to control, given our similar childhoods and what types of parents we had. I think I find myself almost having the opposite experience in that I tend to like some things to stay the same, like obviously, my blog has had the same design for three years now (so creative!). But, I guess I change other things, like where I live. Funny how it’s easier for me to move to a different state than change my template.

  • I’m not super comfortable with change, but do crave the control. i wish there was a balance there. I think I’d be a little more outgoing if there were a way for me to do that.

  • Carrie says:

    I understand that very well. I used to love changing my furniture around. The older I get though, the less I like change. Don’t know what that’s about.

  • Jay says:

    I don’t think you’re a bummer, I think you’re being honest and introspective. Nothing wrong with that. You’re good to go, and I think most if not all of us can relate.

  • kerrianne says:

    I like the purple. Happy! Tuesday to you babe.

  • shan says:

    I’m a firm believer in control .. personally I prefer it … but change is good too (at least the kind I want as opposed to that which is thrust upon me – heh).

  • gorillabuns says:

    i’m all about change but since some major changes are hanging in the balance for our near future; i’m not sure i want to change anything at all.

    make sense? probably not.

    i guess it’s all about control and the need to be able to set your foot down on firm ground when the see-saw of life keeps trying to throw you up in the air.

    wow, that last statement kinda scared me. it sounded almost intelligent.

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