Many years ago when I was a child I lived a secret life. One face was presented to the world. That face was good and sweet and happy. I laughed when I was at school. I loved school. Of course I did. It was somewhere else. Somewhere else was a good place to be for me. Somewhere… anywhere… but home.

As life changed and I grew escape became an overwhelming theme. One of my escape scenerios was of the permanent type. I saved up pills stolen from my mother's stash of tranqulizers and felt that was going to be For The Best. As luck or fate would have it I had a change of heart and threw them all away.

Many years later voices in my head began yelling about things that I had done, things that had been done to me, and the cover up I thought I had managed… unsuccessfully. In a no good very bad time I had, for lack of a better term, a nervous breakdown. In that very dark time of my life I put my sweet children and loving husband through hell. Again, thoughts of checking out came to the forefront. Once more I thought it would be For the Best. Once again, luck or fate stepped in and a more rational voice took over.

I've talked about this before over on The Dark Madness… but now it has to come over here. Why? Because that is what has happened. It has intruded once more into my life. The happy life. The better life. The good life. It has come crashing in with dirty feet and stinky breath and made its ugliness known again.

This time, though, it isn't me who is going through the darkness. This time it is one of my children. My beautiful eldest daughter. Wife, mother, incredible woman. She's facing this demon and I feel so helpless because I can't do anything to pull her away from the abyss. I'm trying. I am. I'm trying to make her see that there is hope. You can come through this darkness and you can find true joy and hope and a good life. I just pray it is enough. 

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Middle-aged. Anti-social. Mom. Grandma. Town-raised farmer's wife. Iowan. Want more? Come read the blogs.

23 thoughts on “Helpless”

  1. Oh, Sue. Having been in the dark place myself where I also once thought the only solution was a permanent end… I can imagine no greater pain than seeing your sweet baby go through this also. There is something you can do. Tell her she is not alone, that she will get through it to see light and joy on the other side. Tell her to hold on, not to give up. I know she does not know me, but tell her I said so also.

  2. It’s not easy to sit by and watch people who love suffer. I am sure as a loving mom that you are the best thing for her right now. I also hope she’s seeking out professional counseling.

  3. Sue, you and yours can depend on me for whatever you need however I am able to lend my support. you are all like family to me, and family sticks together. Be strong.

  4. I’ll pray for your daughter as well.

    Depression is tough, and there’s no reason that anyone should have to suffer through it alone. I hope she’s getting the help she needs.

  5. Depression is such an evil weight–I know. Been there, done that. I also know how hard it is to see a child go through this–my youngest has suffered and I think my oldest is now. There are no words I can say that will help you–just know there are many that will keep you and your daughter in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you and your daughter.

  6. My brother suffered depression, which ended in his suicide. The problem was we didn’t take action, we wrote it off as no big deal because we knew he was tough enough, we took it for granted and we lost him. You are doing what needs to be done…be there for her, pray for her, get her help, stay with her till the demon retreats. God bless you and your family.

  7. Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear this. My parents have always felt so helpless about my bipolar disorder, and I know it kills them.

    I hope things get better soon.

  8. Nothing makes a parent feel mmore helpless than having a child in depression (or on drugs) because there isn’t a whole lot you can do but be supportive, but at the bottom line they have to find their own way through.

    I’ll say a little prayer for her (and you).

  9. Sue..I’ve been through it with a loved one. For years.
    There were times when I sat next to him, begging him not to pull the trigger, telling him that life was worth living (while he cried that he didn’t want to live) praying with my whole heart that he would listen to what I was saying.
    Thank God, my son is alright now, and he is happy.
    I will be praying for your daughter, and for you.

  10. Sue,

    In the past year, I’ve learned that the dark things we try to keep hidden must be brought into the light. By bringing them into the light, they lose their power over us, and that allows God to heal and fill those empty places.

    After struggling with C’s depression & lack of motivation his last couple years of high school, I understand the helplessness you feel.

    Give it to God (nothing is too big for Him). Pray. Do what you can. Know that you and A are in my prayers.

    Love you!

  11. I wish I had some words of encouragement for you–I don’t quite know what to say except grab her and don’t let go. Make her get help, whatever it takes.

  12. It’s so horrible when you’re in it, and so hard to see your way out. Being there for her & understanding is the greatest gift you can give her, because no matter how much you try to carry her, she has to walk out herself. I’m sorry you’re going through this, that she is going through this, and I hope she has a good therapist/psychiatrist who can help in ways you can’t. I’ll be sending good thoughts north & hope they help.

  13. i’ve known that darkness too well myself, sue. lived in despair wondering if i would ever see the light. i just kept holding onto the image of my son. and how he needs his mommy in his life. he was my light in that darkness, the driving force that eventually helped me see clearly again and fight my way back from debillitating depression.

    i pray your daughter will be okay, sue. thank you for this post.

  14. Oh gosh.. I’ve been there, got the t-shirt, got the t-shirt stained on my next trip back, etc. etc….

    I’m praying for strength for all of you..

  15. Sue, I’m so sorry. Is she getting help as an inpatient? Because that, I believe, is the safest and best way to deal with this. She needs you and all her loved ones too but she needs daily professional help.

    Keeping you all in my thoughts {{Hug}}

  16. How did I miss this post? I am glad Em sent me over.

    I am very sorry things are hard for Eldest Daughter. Because you’ve been through a dark time, I’m sure this triggers you in some ways. . . But you are loving her and being there for her and that’s sometimes the greatest gift you can give. Being there.

  17. hello there stranger. it’s been a while.

    im sorry to hear that your oldest daughter is in such a tough place right now. i hope that she finds the strength to see the light. i have a feeling that your knowledge and experience with this topic will help her very much as well.

    thinking of you and wishing you and your family the best.

  18. Sue – I haven’t been around much, but I found you tonight. Here’s thinking that your love and strength will help get her through this very rough time.

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