Many years ago when I was a child I lived a secret life. One face was presented to the world. That face was good and sweet and happy. I laughed when I was at school. I loved school. Of course I did. It was somewhere else. Somewhere else was a good place to be for me. Somewhere… anywhere… but home.
As life changed and I grew escape became an overwhelming theme. One of my escape scenerios was of the permanent type. I saved up pills stolen from my mother's stash of tranqulizers and felt that was going to be For The Best. As luck or fate would have it I had a change of heart and threw them all away.
Many years later voices in my head began yelling about things that I had done, things that had been done to me, and the cover up I thought I had managed… unsuccessfully. In a no good very bad time I had, for lack of a better term, a nervous breakdown. In that very dark time of my life I put my sweet children and loving husband through hell. Again, thoughts of checking out came to the forefront. Once more I thought it would be For the Best. Once again, luck or fate stepped in and a more rational voice took over.
I've talked about this before over on The Dark Madness… but now it has to come over here. Why? Because that is what has happened. It has intruded once more into my life. The happy life. The better life. The good life. It has come crashing in with dirty feet and stinky breath and made its ugliness known again.
This time, though, it isn't me who is going through the darkness. This time it is one of my children. My beautiful eldest daughter. Wife, mother, incredible woman. She's facing this demon and I feel so helpless because I can't do anything to pull her away from the abyss. I'm trying. I am. I'm trying to make her see that there is hope. You can come through this darkness and you can find true joy and hope and a good life. I just pray it is enough.