That’s how long it’s been. Almost. Almost a year. Almost a year since my dad fell, hitting his head on the garage floor and sending himself into the long goodnight. The date sticks in my brain as i look at the calender, already full of birthday and christmas and new years and year -end tastks to be taken care of for the farm. Work has been a complete and utter zoo… not surprising, since it does it to me every year at this time. I wish I worked in a job that didn’t have its’ busiest time at the same time as harvest and holidays. I used to enjoy the holidays, birthdays. Decorating the house… baking cookies… making candy… getting everything special. Now between work and the farm it is all so hurried and shortened that I feel I have no time for actual enjoyment.

Now, besides all the rest… I have dad. Mom is lonely, I know. I try to see her when I can, but it isn’t enough… never enough. Was never enough when dad was alive and is certainly not enough now. I feel the weight of her guilt trips with every email I receive. I hear it in her voice when she speaks to me. Yes, he was a bastard… yes, however, she loved him and misses him. Thank goodness she has a dog. Without the dog she’d be lost. Some days I feel she loves the dog more than me. The dog is there more than I am.

I want to go back and have him alive again. I want to be able to somehow get through his last months or years of fog -of depression. To tell him how he’s wasting it all. His wife loves him. His daughter? His daughter could, given the right circumstances. I think. I hope.

Give me the strength to get through the next few weeks. It will be hard. We’re almost there. Almost to the date when he fell… the 11th. After that? Things became a blur… for a few weeks. Until it stopped. Until it ended. Until I ended it. Me. My decision. Yes, they went along, but it was my decision to move him to hospice. My decision to take him off the feedings. My decision to let him go. Almost.


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Middle-aged. Anti-social. Mom. Grandma. Town-raised farmer's wife. Iowan. Want more? Come read the blogs.

6 thoughts on “Almost”

  1. Sue..don’t beat yourself up.

    I understand how you feel, because even after eight years, I still get those feelings of, ‘if only’ concerning my precious little mother.

    I was the one who made the decision to have the feeding tube put back in her stomach, after it had been out for a couple of years…she got MRSA when a nurse’s aide, negligently touched her incision, wearing a glove that she had dropped on the floor. I tried to stop her, but it was too late, and I knew, then, that something terrible would result from it. And, it did.

    Mother was in the hospital for six weeks, afterwards, fighting with all the strength that she had left, most of the time not knowing that she was in the world. Nothing more could be done for her…she was discharged one day, and died, the next.

    I made the decision about the feeding tube, because it had become almost impossible to give her enough nutrition, due to the ‘tongue thrusts’ which she had developed, as a result of her neurological problem.

    You have no idea how many times I have said to myself, “If only I hadn’t made that decision.” But, Sue…in my heart, I know that I made the best decision possible, at the time, just as you did, I’m sure.

    We have no way of knowing how things will turn out, in any situation. We just do the best we can, and that’s all any of us can do.

    I know what I have said won’t make you feel any better, but you know you can’t go back, and change the past. All we can really do, is make the most of the future, as much as possible.

    You have the added burden of dealing with unresolved conflict, and emotions concerning your parents, so I know that it is much harder. Forgive, as much as you can, including yourself, if you are able to do that.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers..remember that you are loved.

  2. You made the hard but right choice. That final decision was an act of love, love for a man who hurt you. You’re a good person, Sue. You deserve peace. I hope you can find it somewhere in the hustle, bustle and busy of this season.

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