Welcome to My Phobia

Have I mentioned that I hate bugs? I. Hate. Bugs. They hate me – or love me, depending on your perspective. Hubby and I can be outside standing right next to each other and the flies and mosquitos will start eating me alive. I’ll say, “Aren’t the bugs biting you?”… and I’ll get back, “What bugs?”.

I love the outdoors, nature, mhy garden yeard and timber. But from the first warm days of spring until the first hard frost I am mostly held captive in my house. Each bite, be it from the littlest ‘no-see-um’ (yep, there is such a thing) to the biggest horsefly swells to the size of a quarter and brings with it endless nights of tossing and turning, trying not to scratch. This goes on for a few days. Nothing seems to help. All the perscription creams, otc exra-strength-by-god-we-swear-this-is-gonna-work-or-we’ll-come-to-your-house-and-cut-off-your-leg creams are all just money down the drain. The “old wives tales” and homemade remedies aren’t much better – ice, fingernail polish – do nothing but leave a shell I have to scratch through as well.

Don’t even get me started on ‘Deep Woods Off’ or anything that pretends to repel a bug. Ha! Do you hear me? HA! When I drench myself with any of those products in preparation for a lengthy amount of time outside, I may as well be advertising ‘free lunch! bring your friends!’ I can be bit before I’ve even gotten to the other end of the yard! ‘Avon Skin-So-Soft’ – DOUBLE HA! Not only am I lunch, but I smell like a sexy lunch!

Then there are the bugs I’m afraid of. Spiders. I hate spiders. Especially ones with hair. Fur? Daddy-long-legs don’t count. Don’t ask me why, but they just look like some E.T. that got left behind on the planet and just want to ‘go home’. Any other spider freaks me out.

In the old house we used to have the laundry in the basement. The cold, musty, unfinished, dungeon – I used to call it. At least once a week I’d find a big brown wolf spider in the laundry…and that was with an extermintor coming once a month to take care of bugs and mice!

There were the usual cast of characters throughout the rest of the house, too. The tiny fuzzy spiders that lived in the window screens, the black and yellow garden spiders, the ones that were as big as my thumb, very furry, and would jump long distances if you missed them the first time. Don’t forget the ones I would never see, but would bite me in my sleep.

Despite my childhood love of “Charlotte’s Web” I cannot get past my dislike of spiders – except Charlotte, of course.

Add to my list the ticks. In our part of the country there is a very small chance you can run into the itty bitty ones called deer ticks that bring Lymes disease, however my mother did get bit and contracted it in Arkansas. Thank goodness they found it early and treated it – knowing what it was. I’ve known people who it took years to figure out what the trouble was and it left them with permanent neurological damage. My kind is the ones that are a little larger and are just creepy. If you’ve ever had to take one off your dog or cat and seen how those little bodies can swell with blood – nevermind the thought that if you don’t get the head it’ll just grow back. Oh, ick. I had one in my hair once and it left me psychologically scarred for life. Just seeing one walking up my leg thinking about a place to attach itself is enough to give me the heebie-jeebies.

Finally in my cast of “bugs I hate” would be the beetles. This covers it all from June bugs to ladybugs. Now before everyone gets all sappy about the harmless, cute little ladybugs, I’m here to tell you they bite. It hurts. Enough said.

I hate the June bugs hard-shelled bodies and how they feel when they fly into your face or land on your bare summer leg and you can feel their little pincer feet walking up you. Ugh. I get a tremor at the thought. They buzz loudly as they fly around you and try and tangle in your hair – practically impossible to get out no matter how many ways you shake your head, wap yourself or shimmy. They are an excellent reason to stay in the house on a warm summer eve.

I know these are necessary to the ‘big picture’ – but I just wish they’d hang around someone else. So ends our lecture for today.

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Middle-aged. Anti-social. Mom. Grandma. Town-raised farmer's wife. Iowan. Want more? Come read the blogs.

2 thoughts on “Welcome to My Phobia”

  1. I’m sorry, you could never do my job. If it’s only a few bugs when I open a pedistal or go into a crawl space, it’s a good day.

    I am lucky, I rarely get bit. Maybe I stink too much.

    I did make some soap with Citronella, rosemary, eucalyptus, cedar, pennyroyal, and lavender. They are all supposed to repel bugs. Who am I kidding, it would be a magnet if you tried it.

  2. I rad the book Charlotte’s Webb as a 8 year-old child–and even at that time I thought, “Why is this pig friends with a damn spider?” I’m not afraid of the bugs–but I have no problem crushing them. I enjoyed your blog,

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