“Do you know why they call it ‘PMS’? Because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken”*

So… I have to drive my Hubs to town this morning. He has his full-strength-caffiene-coffee-to-go. He is Awake. Morning is his time. He’s fresh and awake and chatty. Have I mentioned I am not a morning person?

I. Am. Not. a morning person. I do not drink coffee. I used to drink Pepsi in the morning, but since I’ve been banned from it, I no longer have caffiene to stimulate my senses and get me ready for the day. I wake, usually to the low growling and quiet woofing of my pups politely letting me know they want to go use the outside facilities. They have internal alarm clocks that unfailingly read 5:15 a.m. I stumble out in the dark morning in my pj’s and wait patiently on the porch, hoping this will not be the morning they get a wild hair to go running down the drive or play … ignoring all my pleas and barking to return to the house. That is the extent of our conversation – “Good Dog” and “C’Mon…let’s go!”…occasionally, “Damnit, we aren’t going to play this game this morning!”

Back inside, I shower, dress, dry and fix my hair, and put my face on. Do the dishes (if I’ve been lax the night before), fold some laundry, make the bed, pick up the house a bit, possibly pay a bill, then I tell the pups “good bye” and “be good”, pet the cats, kiss the Hubs, and dash out the door. After six years, the guys at work have learned not to talk to me… for at least an hour. They ignore me, beyond “good morning”, and wait patiently for some alertness to dawn in my eyes. Woe is the man person who gets into a heated discussion with me first thing in the morning.

Which brings me to this morning. “Chatty Cathy” (aka Hubs) was talking to me all the way to town. Some conversation was repeated, which is fine… I’m known to repeat myself from time to time. A nodding of the head, a brief “uh huh” or “nuh uh” is required. I can handle that. But then came the moment. The one in which I am trying to talk and drive at the same time and he is giving me the hand signals. You know… the “I’m the passenger, but I really want to be the driver” signals. Yes, dear… I see the truck. Yes, dear… I know he wants to turn. I should go? I was trying to let him go first, I was trying to be the polite driver. Oh? I’m to stay in this lane? I am. I never left this lane. I wasn’t going to turn into that lane. I CAN talk and drive at the same time… even first thing in the morning. (And he accuses ME of having A.D.D.!)

Needless to say, we did not end the drive on a good note. He made the critical mistake. He talked to me in the morning. We’ve been together for 27 years. He’s supposed to know this by now. What? My fault? Me? … oh… yeah, I suppose. Sorry, sweetie. I’m awake now.

*unknown author

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Middle-aged. Anti-social. Mom. Grandma. Town-raised farmer's wife. Iowan. Want more? Come read the blogs.

8 thoughts on ““Do you know why they call it ‘PMS’? Because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken”*”

  1. I have never delineated my activities by a timeline regarding what part of the day it is, since I have worked all the major “shifts” day, swing, graveyard, sometimes any two or more at once and occaisionally I have created my own “shift” variations, but what I have noticed is I am a distance runner, I don’t come off the starting gate in a sprint, I like to pace myself, build up the momentum and be strong when it is most important. Thus I often have stores of energy when I get home while those around me who have exibited their perky bubbly “morning” personality are feebly curlled up in a corner somewhere too tired to drag themselves to the shower… This all changes if the words “Vacation” or “Road trip” are involved…

  2. This is too damn funny — I’m the exact same way. Even though I was only with my Ex for six years, I thought that was more than enough time for him to “learn” not to talk to me in the morning. Now…27 years? That’s a looooooooong time.

  3. Pepsi in the morning? THat’s a great idea!!! I usually stumble out of bed and walk around comotose until I wake up at 9am. I am no morning person.
    I like that puppy treats pic!!

  4. Amy – an apple?? I need my coffee or forget it! I’m not a morning person either. Curse the genes my girl got NOT from my side of the family (where NONE of the women are early-birds!) I keep trying to convince her we are not supposed to get out of bed before Mr. Sun wakes up, but 5am is her inner alarm clock. I found it easier to work 11p-7a than I do to get out of bed before 8am.

  5. Got to tell you what the LA Weight-Loss people told me: “If you don’t eat something within the first half-hour of waking, your metabolism never gets the jolt it needs to burn that fat. Surely you can find a half-hour for that.” Do these people think we are idiots? I kinda, sorta, told her what I thought about the “half-hour” rule. Okay, so now I grab two Quaker bars and a bottle of water as I exit the house.
    Tell me, what woman can do all the things you did, then get herself together to look presentable to the work world, eat breakfast, be sure she has the same colored shoes on both feet, and drive to work with a “Chatty Cathy.” I think you just burned all the calories you need for the day by the time you got to work. OH, and that 27 years…you are to be commended that you didn’t boop him on the head.

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