Advice Taken (Update on 2-Cents)

What a nice bunch you are! I ask for advice… and you actually answer me! I love my blog-buddies…

Okay, here's the scoop. I did talk to my son. First off, I was rather amused to find that his fiance was under the impression I hadn't even been invited! She was ready to get into it with her family for not inviting me. Gosh! Luckily, he spoke to youngest daughter the day before and she told him I had been invited and was trying to figure out what to do. Crisis averted! Whew!

My son and DIL2B were both fine with me not attending. Although I've only spoken to him so far, I'm going to call her – probably tonight. He had already told her I might not go, however, and she had no problem with that. I will also be a good RSVP-er and call and let the hostess know I'm not going to be able to attend. I don't think I'll have to come up with an excuse, but I have plenty if I need one – actually, a very valid one is that spring field work is just around the corner and we may be busy farming by then. The other ones are still hovering in the back of my mind, but this is the one that is the most important and has the least amount of guilt associated with it.

I thought Jen had a terrific idea with the whole sending food thing, but then I realized these people are probably in another stratosphere where "taste" is concerned and I'm not sure I'm up to their standards. Yes, our son is marrying a very lovely girl, but she's also from a very "well-to-do" family. As down-to-earth as she is, her family is, well… not. So, I will probably do the second most suggested thing and just find a gift from the registry and send it.

After discussion with Hubs, it was decided that even if no one else holds a shower for DIL2B in our part of the country, I and my daughters will. I know son was saying she felt she didn't have many friends here, but after talking to him we came up with several names of people that they hang around with and she is friends with – as well as the several family members on our side that live in the area, like my mom and MIL. I think we'll be able to come up with a good group. Yes, I'll invite her mother and sisters as well… and unlike me, they probably WILL come.

The next hurdle… should I invite members of my ex's family to the shower I have? Yikes. My son is by my previous marriage and although we divorced when he was 2, there has still been contact. I'm not sure if they would have their own shower for her? There are several of them: I would invite my ex-mother-in-law, ex-sister-in-laws (2), and ex-brother-in-law's wife. Probably would invite my ex's current wife, also. Hmmm… maybe this requires another phone call with my son.

Wedding for younger son isn't nearly as complicated.

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Middle-aged. Anti-social. Mom. Grandma. Town-raised farmer's wife. Iowan. Want more? Come read the blogs.

5 thoughts on “Advice Taken (Update on 2-Cents)”

  1. Yes, I think you need to talk to the son. But they are kin to your children, so my feeling is they probably should be invited if it doesn’t make for a lot of uncomfortableness.

    As far as the BTB not knowing many people, that’s partly what showers are for. The BTB gets to meet friends and family of the groom and of the groom’s family. So, I think someone other than a family member should step up and have a shower. Whether they will or not…

    I’m glad for you that you don’t have to go. It sounds as if it would have been a real headache.

  2. I have been through so many of these kinds of scenarios with friends and family, here is my two-cents worth. Unless you are very good friends with your ex-in-laws, whether Mother or daughters, you are NOT in any way obligated to invite that whole crew. The hostess is the one paying and planning and hosting a party; and if anyone she invites would make her uncomfortable or leaving her wishing, “I wish this whole thing was over,” then she should NOT invite them, period.

    The polite and correct thing, however, is to invite the BTB’s family especially if the couple is to be married “back home.” This gives the BTB’s family a chance, if they want it, to see your lovely home, your friends, plus your family on your playing field. After all, that is what they are wanting to do for their daughters in their hometown. If they choose not to attend, as you are not for their shower, then all is well anyway because you have both done the, “Amy Vanderbilt,” correct invites and that leaves a good impression on both of your families.

    Now, do not obsess about the correctness of your not driving all that way, etc. That is just good sense and the feeling that you would not be comfortable there by yourself anyway.

    As far as gifts go, how would you feel if both your sons were getting married and had same-day showers and the in-law-to-be did not give a gift to each son? I do believe a gift to the BTB’s sister is in order. Whew, was all this worth two-cents? Ha! Ha! Good Luck.

  3. this is why i am never getting married- too complicated! 😉

    i think you are doing the right thing and that throwing her a shower and inviting all those people is very loving and generous of you.

  4. I know you’ve already taken the advice from others, but when I read it, I was also thinking about the idea of offering to host a shower for her in your area. As for the Ex’s relatives, I would probably invite them if you were going to already invite them to the wedding. They can always say “no,” if they don’t feel comfortable coming.

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