Guilt Trippin’… Want a Ride? (a Rant)
We'll take a second to blame our fellow blogger, Sally, for this posting. It started off with a comment on her post, but I felt I was getting a bit long-winded, so decided to just say "to heck with it" and do my own post. Here goes…
As I've mentioned probably more than any of you care to hear, I'm an only child. This can be a good thing when it comes to siblings. I've bemoaned the fact many times over the years as Hubs has had to deal with his family that we, too, have given our children … siblings. Except for a few hiccups along the road when they were small, and perhaps a few more as teens. they are now actually friends… a feat by no means simple and one I am very proud of. They did it. Not me.
The dynamic of Hubs' family is this. He's the eldest of three children. He has a sister a couple of years younger, and a brother about six years younger (my age). As much as his mother and father were teased about the last one being a "surprise", they don't take the bait… so we assume he was "planned". Okay, whatever. Hubs' always farmed with his dad. When he was young they had livestock – cattle and pigs, as well as being grain farmers. Ironically enough when Hubs was drafted into the Navy, dad sold off the livestock. Guess it was too much work alone. The younger brother had no interest in the farm and instead was interested in fast cars and ditching school, leading to various other problems. The sister was, and has always been, The Princess. (Yes, she has actually moved into Queen status, but less I confuse you with MIL who is THE QUEEN, I'll refer to her as The Princess… or TP). She was the one that when Hubs' dropped out of college and got drafted, managed to get not one college degree, but three, count 'em… three. Yeah. She made up for both the brothers in that department.
After Hubs got out of the service, he wasn't given a choice. It was just assumed he would come home to farm. There wasn't anyone else to do it, so he did. His mom and dad built a new house with the good grain prices of the 70's and moved, leaving him to live in the house he'd grown up in. Fast forward a few years until I came on the scene. The first thing I did wrong was be a divorcee with two children. MIL never could quite get a handle on that. Somewhere in the back of her mind I was never quite good enough. Whatever. Hubs loved me, that was what counted. I was a bit peturbed however that she refused to have my children call her "grandma". She never wanted to be called that until about 14 years ago when the last grandchild was born. Suddenly she was the perfect grandmother. Go figure.
TP had married before us, and moved to a far eastern state to have a dairy farm with her husband. They ended up having two children, just about the same ages as our two eldest. Being as they lived out there, phone calls and letters (before the days of e-mail) were pretty frequent between MIL and TP and occasionally Hubs would get drift of the conversations. Lots of "oh woe is me"… and "things are hard" … constituting secreted checks being mailed out a day or two later. MIL has no idea we know this, but the facts are there. One of my most vivid memories was the time we scrimped and saved to buy our kids a fairly large swingset (there were four kids, so had to be big enough)… and when MIL got a glimpse of that she immediatly thought TP's kids needed the same thing, so *swoosh* went the checkbook and off went the money… yup. Not long afterwards we heard how thrilled TP's kids were with the new swingset.
Over the years BIL got married and had the two kids… The Boys. They live just a few miles away in the next town over. You don't see them unless they want something or want to kiss up to MIL for something. Several years ago we got wind of the fact they were in severe debt. Suddenly, you didn't hear about it any more. Speculation, anyone?
We have to walk on tiptoe around anything the rest of the family does or says. Everything is a big secret. The TP's eldest let slip a few years ago that his parents had come into a windfall that allowed his and his sisters' college education to be paid for. In full. With money left over. Did anyone else tell us that? Did MIL share the good news? Hell no.
When BIL youngest started having some medical and behavioral problems, it was all whispering and innuendo and hush-hush and secretive looks… but when anything is going on with OUR kids, it becomes quickly a group project to be analyzed and gossiped about all over town.
I won't even get into the whole religious thing, except to say we didn't get our children baptized. *gasp* According to MIL they're probably all going to hell. We don't think that her putting on every diamond she owns, her most expensive suit, and washing her car to go to church guarentees her a place in heaven, but we could be wrong. Guess we'll find out someday.
Hubs' shop is at his mom's house. It has been that way forever. He shows up, she shoots down from the house to jabber (yes, jabber) at him non-stop until he can barely think straight. He is the one who is responsible for many of her bills. He cleans her driveway, he makes sure she gets to town in the wintertime if she can't get out with her car. He (involuntarily) takes her to the races every week. He feels as though his mother has designated him to be his dad's replacement, since he died several years ago. It is as though Hubs' is responsible for her well-being, care, and entertainment…and yet? How do you say "no" when she's one of the landlords and every farmer knows you have to kiss the landlords' ass? *Sigh* It's a fine line, I tell ya.
Yet? After all that he tries to do for her… after he is the one she calls when she wakes up in the morning to find her husband dead beside her in bed… who is the one she depends on for so many things…Who is the one who gets picked on? Who gets the guilt trips laid on him all the time? Yeah, you guessed it. Hubs. I don't understand what drives this woman, but trust me, it isn't love. A sad thing to say, but truthful. I hope my kids can't say the same thing about me. Ever.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 17th, 2007 at 8:07 am and is filed under Life, Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
2:38 pm on July 17th, 2007
Although both of the in-laws have passed, my parents are still around. I still have one sibling and hubby has three. Many times in the past I said I wished the two of us had been sibling-less orphans–it would have made things so much better for us to deal with. No real words of wisdom, just ‘chin up’ and ‘hang in there.’
4:56 pm on July 17th, 2007
That saying is true – ‘you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family’. Worse luck for people like us cos I would trade some of mine in very quickly. I’m not sure why these things are sent to test us, but they are and I think we become stronger when we don’t take it on board or make it personal, even though it mostly obviously IS personal. I am having a world of trouble with my own mother right now, she’s always been a bit strange. I guess I don’t blog much about it cos it’s too personal, but it’s very painful to have a mother who isn’t standard issue – and who is so spiteful, especially when she treats my brother as though the sun shines out of his *ahem* you know what!! Since I told her I was pregnant, we’re not speaking – at all. Now i’ve lost the baby and she hasn’t contacted me. I would have thought that any mother would support her own child fully in times such as these, but no, not mine.
I think maybe the lesson for us to learn is to treat our own children so much better and always be there to support them, no matter what. That’s what i’m taking from this experience anyway. That’s what I truly believe is a parent’s job anyway.
Enough of my complaining – sorry for the long comment. I look forward to reading more of your blog, thanks for commenting on mine.
Bri
4:46 am on July 18th, 2007
Hmm..it sounds moderately dysfunctional, but probably could be worse. Or better.
Families are weird that way. But since you guys are the only branch of her family she hasn’t given money to, Hubs might actually be the best off among her kids, in terms of the hold she has over him. I imagine that she might be worse to the others when she’s alone with them..
8:24 am on July 19th, 2007
I got a couple of thought-provoking comments at my blog about this. One from teahouseblossom which makes me think these moms NEED to mother and it makes them blind to their actions and biases. The other commenter said my mom (and your MIL would fit this) is an enabler. She rewards the child who needs her most with money.
A few months ago, my husband and I had to cut down on expenses so we canceled our YMCA membership, hoping to sign back up once I got a job. When my mom (an exercise freak) found out, she offered to pay for our membership for the summer. I refused and I think that didn’t go over too well but she at least bit her tongue about it.
And now she’s giving me her famous Silent Treatment for simply (and politely ) asking her to hold back on some of her opinions. I just know she doesn’t dispense any guilt or opinions to my deadbeat brother as she’s telling him she’ll send money for bail or rent or whatever.
2:30 pm on July 19th, 2007
I don’t know why parents do this. My mom is also paying a shit-ton of $$ to my brother for things for him and his family and the rest of us — nada. It’s not that I desperately need it, but I think that at the very least, my sister’s kids deserve the same things as the other grandchildren. I don’t get it. I would be frustrated in your position as well, esp. given the things Hubs had done and how she treated you. Does she still treat you like you don’t really belong?
10:16 am on July 20th, 2007
You remind me of my Mom
Ah family….ain’t it grand?
If you really want to get a good perspective on this, google “attachment disorders”. You’ll find answers for most every relationship dynamic. As for your MIL, she’s got issues, no doubt. But you and your hubby sound like you are handling things healthily and doing your best by your own family, on top of all you do for her. That’s all any of us can do really. And here’s a thought….if/when your MIL passes on to the great hereafter, she just might leave a lot of assets to your hubby for all the help he’s given her. At least, I would hope she does.
Hang in there. My family is weird too. The hardest thing is, I’m the one who sought therapy and now that I understand it all….sometimes they make me want to tear my hair out in frustration.