If You’ve Seen My Mind… Send It Back

No, I'm not really losing my mind… not in the normal sense of the word. I am just having pangs of mortality. I'm not THAT old, but I find as time goes on I'm having more and more brain farts. You know, you have something on the tip of your tongue – or the edge of your brain, more likely – and it just won't come out.

I have always been fairly quick-witted and pride myself on the amount of won't-make-me-a-dime trivia I have always known. Life lint. The itsy bitsy little things that somehow get stuck in the crevices of my brain that I have always been able to pull out at a moments' notice. Now? Not-so-much. I have to stop and think about it… or start playing the 'relationship' game with my spouse or one of my kids. You know, "they were in that movie with what's his name "… and his name starts with a "D". Then they say something else that triggers the name to pop out of hiding.

Lately, I find myself depending more and more not on my own brain, but on the internet. It is so much easier to google the movie I thought they were in or the one I'm currently watching to remember what else they've been in or "where have I seen them"…

I have turned into a cheat.

Even with all that? I am losing it. The other night I was watching a show with my daughters and I was so sure that one of the characters had played a certain part in another show that I bet my daughter $20 on it. I looked it up.

I was wrong.

Do you know what that did to me? I mean, seriously. Me. I'm the one who knows these things. Now it isn't just about the speed of response, or the fact that I even am aware of the connections that are there to be made… now I am wrong even when I'm SURE I am right.

How depressing.



I don't know if you can see what this is…. but it is my son's new racing t-shirt for the big Supernational races next week. He has a friend who goes by the nickname "Jake the Snake" and has a logo of a snake on his shirts, so of course we had to go with "Snyder the Spider". My son's friend hates snakes, and, yes, my son hates spiders. Go figure.

Tonight is the last regular season race at the track he's been at all summer. It is a different track than he's been at the past few years, but the race track promotor for that regular track has let things slide to where attendance is paltry and there are only about five or six cars in his class racing. That's not hardly enough to make it interesting. Of course, for me it would be fine as I'd like to see him just get out in front and stay there and not have anyone touch him all night – but that's a mom speaking. From a race fan perspective, the guys like to get into a few cars and have some competition. My son hasn't had any problems with that issue this year. The track he's been at normally has at least twenty-five cars a night and for whatever reason my son ends up in the middle to end of the pack every time. He then has to fight and scratch his way to the front. He's won very few races this year, but in the track points for his class he is in second place – only a few points from the leader. Not enough that even if he won the race tonight he'd win in points, but enough that if his number one competition were to, say, blow up a motor in the main feature race – then my son would win on points. I'm fairly confident he's going to still be in second place when the night is over no matter what happens, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. He is just consistant in his finishes and is always moving forward and passing other cars, gaining him those points.

Next week is the big all-week country-wide phenomena known as Supernationals. We're just lucky it is in a nearby town. People come from all over the country and as far away as Australia! They end up having over 30 heats of races and many nights the racing is over until 3 a.m. One night last year they had a rain delay and didn't even start until midnight!  Son and his wife are taking the RV over and they and their dog will camp out for the week as Hubs and myself come and go. It is night after night of racing to qualify for the big final race on Saturday night. If you qualify on the first night out then you are done racing until the big one. However, if you don't qualify then you try again the next night and the next, etc., until you get there. Some guys never do get in, so so far (knock on wood) my son has. Keeping fingers crossed for next week. Last year it took him all week to qualify!

I've been doing better this year about going to the races and not getting as stressed out. Part of my strategy is to not watch each and every race before my son races. That way I don't see every other crash, blow up, etc., and I don't get quite so worked up beforehand. I know he thinks I'm nuts, but when he's racing my mantra is "please let him be safe"… winning to me comes in second. He's a good racer and has excellent almost uncanny reflexes and can seem to sense when a problem is coming up right in front of him, but it still makes me crazy to watch.

As far as the new t-shirt design? Can't say as I'm crazy about it as I hate spiders, too, but I guess there are worse things to be called!

Karma is a Bitch

Oh, wait… did I say her name was Karma? Kidding. That's not her name, but for now we'll just call her the Bitch. It works.

Over the years I've done this blog, her name has come up from time to time. This would be my sister-in-law. One of them. The one who is married to my husband's brother. Oh, wait… that would be was married to my husband's brother.

Yes, it is true. They've divorced. In the months I've been barely blogging, things have gone downhill in the perfect family department. They were the perfect family. Ask them, they'd tell you. They had “The Boys” (who were also perfect) and they were the most wonderful parents on the face of the planet. Then something bad happened.

I've always said you can't possibly know and understand all that happens in a relationship unless you are one of the two people in it. You'll be spoon fed whatever version of events the person telling you wants you to hear, and it is rarely showing them in a bad light. However, after years of being exposed to these people I can confidently say… it was her fault. This woman has been TB (the bitch) for years. Yes, my brother-in-law is the kind of man who appears to need a strong woman – one who will tell him what to do, where to go, how to think, etc. However, she took this to a new level.

I'm not sure when it all started to slide away, but there were signs. She'd worked at a company for years – ever since high school – and was only a few years away from retirement when she decided that she wasn't being treated the way she should be and ended up quitting her job. I'm sure she thought the said company was going to come to a screeching halt when she did, but guess what? It went on just fine without her. They did not come begging for her to come back. This bruised her ego in many ways, I'm sure. She was always a woman who had rather grandious ideas of herself anyway. She would tell us she was a “buyer” for this company – a pretty prestigious position. Then we would find out from other sources inside the company that there was no way she was a buyer.

She was the kind of woman who gossiped about everyone in town and claimed she not only knew everyone in town but knew them well and were good friends… then you'd talk to the supposed friends and bring up her name and they'd get that look on their faces. You know the look. The one where someone has just been given a mouthful of shit and told it is yummy. Yeah. She was known to them, but friends? Good friends? Only in her own mind.

So now she had another job… one that didn't last long because (her explaination) they put her in a corner and she didn't have any contact with other people. Huh. Could it be because she is such a troublemaker that doesn't really get along with others that they were trying to isolate the problem? Maybe not… maybe she just really did feel out of her comfort zone. So then she got a different job. A job at a bank. This is a woman who would tell the CIA's secrets to anyone who asked, I certainly didn't want her working in my bank! The fact she was working in my mother-in-law's bank made me more than a little uncomfortable, but it wasn't my place to speak. Next time I heard she'd changed jobs ( a few months later) she was working for a company who did brand placement in grocery stores, etc. She did some traveling, but not out of state and never overnight. So why did she start staying out overnight?

Curiouser and curiouser.

At Thanksgiving last year we'd started hearing rumblings there were problems in the marriage. Still, they showed up at MIL's with smiles and family group photos and a sweetness and light. My BIL had already told my husband he was going to be leaving but his wife wasn't supposed to know that we knew. Not only did we know, but MIL knew, my other sis-in-law knew (my hubs' sister) and most of the family knew. I guess The Bitch's parents didn't know yet so that was why they were being all hush-hush about it.

Finally, he moved out to an apartment and the craziness began…. well, no, I take that back. It got worse. Now he wasn't living there but he was still supposed to be taking care of his wife and the house and helping with her parents and everything was supposed to stay the same except he wasn't living there.

One of the boys graduated from high school and that was a big dog and pony show – with BIL helping to fix up the house and having the reception there, with lots of people there who were all supposed to play dumb that they were seperated. So bizarre.

Papers were filed and it got all wonky. She wanted him paying lots of bucks for child support for the one boy still living at home. She insisted on keeping the house so the boy wouldn't have his life disrupted and in the next breath would threaten the child that if they had to move because of his dad, they would have to get rid of his dog. The kid in question is in his teens. What a bitch.

Court came and went and it was determined the boy would share custody time with BIL and TB… but BIL would be paying child support and would make payments toward the house, etc., until it was sold – which the court ordered would happen. The oldest boy said he was moving out (he'd gotten a good paying job and could now support himself) and TB put her foot down and said no, he couldn't move out. What? He was 19. He could do whatever the hell he wanted to do! The day after they went to court, BIL went to the house when the younger boy called and told him his mom had changed all the locks and taken the garage door openers… and didn't even bother to tell her kids or give them keys and left them to fend for themselves for hours until she got home.

She became mean and nasty and vindictive. More so than usual.

It came out that she'd been sleeping around with someone she'd known in high school. She had even taken him to pick up the younger boy from his soccer games… and this was all before they were even seperated! He lived in another town and it came to light that an accident she had last winter when she totalled their van had been when she'd been on a trip to see this guy… instead of a co-worker as she'd claimed at the time. Recently it has come out that this guy has a sister who owns a bar in this town and she's been going there and working at the bar on weekends when she doesn't have the boy with her. Funny enough – even days when she does has the boy she still has occasions where she 'disappears' and will call him up and tell him to “go stay with a friend overnight” because she won't be home that night. Good kid that he is, he usually calls up his dad and goes there.

She has a hissy fit if BIL has the boy more than he should, yet has isolated both boys to the point they hate her guts and don't want to have anything to do with her. BIL has recently instigated full custody action against her for the younger boy after an altercation that left the boy slapped by his mother and the mother pinned up against the frig by the boy. Not a good situation. The boy also tried to run away one night and moved himself in with his dad – without his dad realizing what was happening. However, the dad was smart enough to first call the cops and explain what was going on and that he hadn't kidnapped his son, then to get his son to realize he could go to jail for contempt of court unless he stayed with his mom until they could get all this settled. Oldest boy moved out a week or so ago but is planning on moving into a house with his dad in a few weeks when the house is ready. Both boys get along great with their dad and call him at least once if not more a day just to talk.

In a fitting round of karma… she recently got fired from her job for a.) missing too much work – skipping work to go to the boyfriend's bar, I've heard b.) not being able to learn a new computer system at work in a timely fashion – hard to do if you aren't there, huh and c.) making trouble at work – gee. 'nuff said on that one.

Not a week later, she got rear-ended by a car that pushed her into another car and smooshed her vehicle all to hell.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean… with all the years of being a bitch, The Bitch, she surely has enough saved up to keep this going downhill for awhile longer.

I know I should feel badly for this woman. I feel sorry for a marriage gone bad after 25 years. I feel sorry for the kids who are being treated like a commodity by their mother and who have resorted to hate to get through the day. I don't like to see anyone struggling to make relationships a battleground instead of making them work well for everyone's advantage. Still? As horrid as she's been all these years I can't help but think… who better deserves this? She had it coming. Karma…yeah, she's a bitch.

Still Here…Sorta

My gosh, time is just getting away from me! Despite rumors to the contrary, I'm still around. Just been busier than, well… you fill in the blank. You've all heard the jokes. Here's a quick, or not-so-quick, update.

  • First off, my eldest daughter is back to having ECT treatments. She started three weeks ago and is still undergoing them on an out-patient basis. She seems a bit muddled, but over all seems to be handling it better than last year. I'm not sure how many more they are saying she needs to have, I know they were thinking they were going to start with about 11, then gradually wean her down to where she would have one a month as a type of maintenance. I haven't heard any differently, so am thinking that's still the plan.
  • My grandson, eldest daughters son, has been staying with us this week. He's 11 and going into sixth grade. He's a good kid, but I'm TIRED. Besides which, my OCS hasn't been fed this week and I'm starting to suffer for it… as is my hubs. If I don't get enough "alone" or "me" time, I tend to get a bit tense and snappish. So far, I think I've been good about not taking it out on the kid, but I get the feeling Hubs is feeling the crunch. I rather snapped at him on Tuesday night and these days it is extremely rare for us to have arguments of any kind… so, yes, I'll chalk it all up to my fault. There, I've said it. Publically and everything.
  • This week has been a whirlwind of activity surrounding grandson. We went fishing Monday (hot, no bites), Tuesday we did something but I can't remember! Huh. Wednesday we went to the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha (about a 3 hr drive from home) and spent the day. Yesterday we fished again and I think grandson was ticked off at me… I got 12 fish, he got one. They were little sunfish and bluegills and where we fish it is all catch-and-release, but still he was ticked. It was cloudy, breezy and perfect fishing weather. Then we went to an Iowa Cubs baseball game last night. They even won! Tonight we are going to youngest son's races and tomorrow morning he goes home. I'll probaby be recovered enough to do it all again next summer, but man, am I out of practice!
  • Last Sunday was Hubs' and my 29th wedding anniversary. We were "unofficially" together for a year previously, though, so we usually count that… so, 30 years together with the same partner. I'll be honest, and he'd agree, it hasn't always been fun and sweetness and light… but we've worked at it and I think I can honestly say for both of us, we are more in love with each other than ever. Kinda nuts in this day and age of quickie divorces and instant gratification… that you really can be with the same person and after all these years not only love the person but like them and enjoy their company. I chalk it up to his great patience and tolerance of my OCS. He's good at giving me space without feeling hurt. Of cousre, space usually means being in the next room. Not like I'm in another state! LOL. Nonetheless, he's still here and so am I… the old "for better or worse, sickness or in health, richer or poorer"… still very much holds true for us. Now the obey? Hm… not so much. That's okay. He doesn't tell me what to do and I don't tell him what to do, so it is all good.
  • One of these days I'll be back to catching up (again) with you all. I may even get more regular with my blogging! *gasp*  Or maybe not. Guess we'll both have to wait and see, huh? Hope you are all having a good summer. If I've missed anything big, please let me know in the comments. (Amy? Babies here yet?)…  Catch you all later. Thanks for coming by.

Chasing the Darkness

Unless you are new here, you know my eldest daughter has been struggling for quite some time with agoraphobia, depression, and anxiety. About a year ago she had several ECT treatments and it seemed to take care of the issues – for awhile. Unfortunately, our sweet girl didn't get a lasting peace that she needed and for the past several months she's been struggling again with her demons. The doctor has been perscribing and adjusting medications in an effort to chase the darkness away… to no avail.

Later today or tomorrow she is going back into the hospital to have more ECT treatments. Right now the doctor is predicting 6-10.

Say a prayer, please.